observation and judgement...

Sometimes, when you finally wake up from the typical human stupor, you realize that the world is trying to send you a message. They tell us in medical school that everything we really need to know will be repeated over and over. It's just a bit embarrasing that life lessons require the same repetition...

Some background. Lately, I have been in a stressful situation at home. There are some behaviors/attitudes that are leading to trouble for my SO, and although I can see several possible solutions, I have been unable to catalyze the necessary changes. At the same time, school has been overwhelming and I have had little time to appreciate or reflect on my experiences and the things I learn.

I am taking a class in Mind-Body medicine once a week, in which we are learning many "self-care strategies" and techniques for ourselves and our patients. On Monday, we were told to meditate and observe our feelings and thoughts as they come upon us, and rather than trying to make them go away, just let them flow past us. Just observe, without judgement -- like rain drops flowing down a window pane.
(Great, says I. This seems easy enough.... OM.......)

Tuesday morning, I go to visit the medical school counselor to discuss the issues going on at home and how they are influencing my motivation for school. I felt so proactive! Rather than actions for me to take, however, he reminded me of the Serenity Prayer. He reminded me that I can merely observe what happens in other people's lives, offer love and support, and not force myself to act or judge. I was encouraged to find peace in letting go, and not being responsible.

Wednesday morning, I was to see a patient at the local hospital to practice history-taking and physical exam. I have had some negative feelings about some of the things I have seen at this particular hospital, especially strong odors and misplaced bodily fluids. I have been questioning my motivations to go into medicine, and feeling ill-at-ease about my commitment to serve all people who need someone to care for them. I have been asking myself if I am too weak, uncaring, petty, or something to look past the things that bother me. In the afternoon, I happened to stop by the office of a professor who I deeply respect and who I feel connected to in a very real way. Somehow, I ended up talking about this concern with her, and she had much wisdom and many thought-provoking ideas to share. A major theme was that the most important thing was to honestly observe my own reactions and thoughts, and watch them change (or not change) over time. She pointed out that the thoughts themself are passing and are not so difficult to accomidate -- it is the judgement that I put onto those thoughts that was keeping me awake at night. At this point in medicine, my job is merely to observe and recieve and learn. There is no hurry to judge myself, as long as I can honestly live in my own moment.

Wow! Would you believe it! On the bus on the way home, I suddenly realized that I could just acknowledge things in my life WITHOUT feeling that I am responsible for everything at every moment! Who would have thought of that?! I have to laugh that it took three times before the message actually got in. Late is better than never, right?